Hey There!
Well, I have finally left BC and headed over to the dreaded Calgary, located East of the Rocky Mountains in Alberta. Just about EVERYONE who I have spoken to (other travellers and Locals alike) would roll their eyes, slap their foreheads or generally be UBER unenthusiastic about the place. So I came here with a mix of dread and curiousity. Surely Calgary can't be that bad? ....
...
Ok...first impressions. I believe that Calgary has set the following regulations: (at least it sure seems like it!):
1. Everything must be a nice shade of concrete.If not concrete then 'business glass' blue will also do.
2. All buildings MUST be 80 kjillion stories high, and have the power to block out the sun.
3. Cross walks must be at least 100 metres across, with the light timings set to help you improve your 100 metre sprint time...
4. Every store/cafe/theatre must be closed as much as possible - only minimal opening hours allowed.
5. The city shuts down after 7pm
6. Shops should consist almost exclusively of gentleman's suit shops. that is all.
7. People have to be wearing either a suit or rags, and be exceptionally unfriendly. And look at you like you are from another planet when you ask them for internet access. Have a nice day folks!!
8. English spoken by an English person IS A FOREIGN LANGUAGE and must not be understood. You must always make the bumbling English man repeat what he says several times (four is best) pretend you still do not understand him until he is waving his arms about, making funny faces and speaking like he is both deaf and incredibly stupid e.g.I amagine if I was in a book it would go something along the lines of:
'HOW MUCH IS THAT PLEASE?' he shouted, as he wiggled and waggled in an effort to convey his meaning through the power of dance...reading the blank expression in front of him, our intrepid tourist slowed down his speech, and began to cry 'H-O-W MuuuuCH IS IT PER-LEASE? C'est Combien?!! Throw me a freakin' bone!!! ARGHHHHH!!! (go sits in corner sucking his thumb and rocking back and forth)...
Aye carumba! that sure would be a GREAT book!! I reckon Oprah would recommend it. If she didn't then Richard and Judy sure would...
Aaaaaanyway...
Soooooo after wandering around getting super neck ache and cramp from staring predominantly up for my first morning in Calgary (I think I probably trod on at least ten small dogs, and probably at least 5 bear traps..), as well as trying to remember that it is actually daytime (seriously, everywhere is in permanent shadow - the skyscrapers really are insane, and clustered heavily together - it is so freakin surreal.) and desperatly searching for something to do, something to look at, and something to eat that would not cost me my right arm...
So after all that failed, I went on the internet...and wrote about how fun Calgary was!! Huuray!
It is not all bad though!!
The number of theatres in Calgary is exceptional! I really REALLY wanted to go to the theatre in Vancouver, but there were very few there. There is something called 'The Vertigo Mystery Theatre' that looks really spot on fab (only does mystery plays which I can understand! not those weird plays that have one man talking to an imaginery ten foot tall bunny that only he can see, in which way he finds his inner child, thus making sense of the turbulent past and relationship with his mother style play that I walk out of the theatre thinking...duhhhhhh I don't get it...) Only problem is...THE FREAKING SEASON HAS'NT STARTED YET!!! sobsobsobsob :o( What's that all abOOt?
Crikey! I was standing outside it last night with my face pressed up against it, trying to get in! But alas, there was only me and a turban wearing cleaning dude. I tried to get him to play shadow theatre and sock puppets with me, but he just looked scared and pretended he couldn't speak english...oh I know the truth turban dude...I'll be back! and this time I will bring muppets! MUPPETS!
The hostel I am staying in (one of only two in the city) is so so LUSH! (there are lots and lots of super size posh hotels, as this is quite obviously a business orientated city. I seriously wonder if anyone actually lives in Calgary?). It is called the Auberge Chez Nous - I think that roughly translates 'Hostel for you'? It is in the same building as immigration office, and the french language centre...
BUT! IT is beautiful - and very cheap (about 10 squid a night bro!)I think it is a converted office, as the mixed dorms (mhehehe! It is a super nice change to sleep in the same room as chicks - I have been in rooms with dudes non stop for 6 weeks, so there was no snoring, no bad smells...how come girls are so much better than blokes? ;o)) are all open plan, single beds. The privacy is created via small partition walls and lockers. It is weird, but it feels super private, even though it isn't. Everywhere is clean lines, white walls really beautifully lit. The main dorms (they don't feel like dorms though' open on to a 'french apartement' style lounge - eclectic art noveau tables and lamps, comfortable lounge chairs and rugs on white painted floorboards (much better than it sounds) the place has high ceilings, a non fussy feel, but is super clean, quiet and chilled. It is also on fifth avenue!
Head and shoulders the most unusual, and best hostel I have stayed in - well done guys! :oD
I have heard of a funky shopping district (that isn't gentelman's suits) about a half hour walk downtown so I am off to investigate that ' mont Royal it is know as...I am then off to Banff (and the rockies!! after that).
The one great thing about Calagary is that it has made me want to go to Montreal ALOT and adjust my travel plans.(hehehe - I think that might be Calgary's new tourist tag line ' CALGARY: So good it makes you want to go to Montreal. A lot.' As we speak I am trying to adjust my flights to spend more time in montreal, less time in calgary, and more time in banff. I am looking to get back to the UK on the 1st October. Awesome to the max!! that will have given me 12 weeks in Canada!!
ALSO! I have say that Air Canada sure has the hottest air stewardesses ever! the ones on my flight over were the best! Even the portly gentleman one!! (well, maybe not...) mhehehe! ;o)
Hope you are all doing good dudes!!
See ya on the flip side!
Excellent!!
:o)
XXXXXXXxxx
PS!
Calgary got a wee bit better (mheheh I said wee) today. I went to a FREE fashion show!! which was super awesome - I loved the clothes, the style was very much Paris circa 1940 - pencil skirts, tailored and form fitting outfits with a mixture of large sunglasses and tassles wfor that Boho chic! hats off to the designers - was a totally awesome show with really fab clothes. I also wondered HOW COME fashion shows always have the same techno music that you get in fight scenes in movies? Whats up with that!! mheheh! :o) anyway that cheered me up no end! super attractive ladies in stylish clothes! yayayayayay! far out man! :o)
ANDANDNANDNAD
It is 'Jazz week' or something in Calgary, which meant I got to listen to some funky jazz in the street! Some people were dancing (old people) I considered going up to them, and facing them down in the mother of all dance offs (I had my old skool adidas tracksuit on, my 'fro pumped up and it was on! But then I rememberd I was white, and cannot dance. So I tapped my foot instead. Jazzzzz!
:o)
Okay! think that is it! I would still rate Calgary as lacking that certain something, but today was pretty fun! Just wish everything didn't stop at 5....
Oooo! And anyone heading to calgary check out MOunt Royal - 17th avenue from 1st to 8th street! funky boutiques, bars and people agogo! :o) MUCH better than downtown!
C Ya All later my lovely friends!! :o)
J